I’ve been thinking a lot about two things lately: self-love selfishness.
I know I’m not the only person who struggles with self-love every day. I’m always disappointing myself. I’m always making decisions that I know I’d make differently if I were given the chance. I don’t like to feel regret all the time, so I try and not feel regret – it doesn’t mean I don’t know that whatever I did wasn’t great, and I still make lists in my head of how I could’ve done it better. That’s okay. That’s learning from my mistakes. And humans make mistakes all the time.
But this being New Year’s Eve, I am thinking about resolutions even though I feel like November 1st is a more seasonal, real New Year’s Day than January 1st. I’ve come to take both of these days to mean I should think about the last year of my life and I should try and make the next one better.
I know the highest goal on my list is certainly to be able to let go—forgive myself—and love myself more. But there’s catch to all that self-love.
It’s easy to take it too far, and become selfish (especially when you have a partner and a child).
I feel like I’ve just been winging it since my baby was born over two years ago. I know this is a common feeling amongst new parents. My partner never seems to get tired of the attention our son needs, but I do. I hide in the bathroom and eat cookies I don’t want to feed my toddler because I want him to be sugar-free as long as humanly possible. I tell him “Mommy’s working” at least 5 times day when he asks for attention or even for me to just sit next to him (because I know sitting next to him doesn’t mean I can necessarily give most of my attention to work). At night, I just want time to myself, or time alone with my partner.
Despite all these attempts to put my own needs first (or at least equally side by side with my toddler’s needs) — I hate myself most of the time, and a lot of it is that I wish I didn’t “need” so much.
I don’t really ask for things or think about things as “wants”. I say “I need time to myself” or “I need space” or “I need a hug” or “I need to write.” It feels weird to be selfish and not have self-love. Selfish people should have too much self-love, right? But I’ve always been a person of contradictions and conflicting emotions.
I think it must be the writer in me that wants—no, needs—so deeply to understand everyone and every side of a situation that I don’t even know which side I’m on! Or which side I want to be on.
So — this new year’s, I’m going to be thinking about the line between selfishness and self-love. I’m going to try and feel more self-love while feeling less selfish. And I’m going to see how long I can go without saying the words “I need.”
What are YOU going to do?
(Feel free to post your thoughts and ideas below, and I hope everyone has an inspiring New Year’s Day.)